If you missed the story of how we found out we were expecting, you can find part one here and part two here.

After our pregnancy announcement and first ultrasound, things really started to set in. Most nights from week 6 to week 14 or so I was sick as a dog…apparently “morning sickness” can be night sickness too. It was so bad that I just had to start laughing about it because Lord knows, crying about it wasn’t getting me anywhere. I started ranking the nights to get a little humor out of it all. I still proudly claim the night I threw up so hard and for so long that my nose bled as the worst of it all. Andrew claimed it looked like a scene out of the exorcist and I’m sure he isn’t wrong.

Thankfully, after the first trimester passed, I could keep food down. Hallelujah! We scheduled a gender ultrasound for 16 weeks. The first ultrasound tech couldn’t get sweet baby to cooperate so we thought we were going to have to wait another month to find out. Thankfully, a second ultrasound tech pulled us into her room and tried again. It took her a minute or so but I’ll never forget her turning the screen towards us and saying “It’s a BOY!”

I’ll never forget that day, not only because it was the day we found out it was a boy, but because it was also the first time we were able to hear our baby’s heartbeat. We got to hear it not once, but twice that day… once with the doppler in the doctors appointment and then again during the ultrasound. It was beautiful and strong. What I didn’t realize then was that it was the first and last time I’d hear it. I wish so badly that I’d asked to record it.

We announced that night that we were having a boy and naming him Ollie James Mefford. One of the things I love most is the meaning of his name, both the literal meaning and why we chose it. We chose “Ollie” simply because we loved it. It was unique, sweet and would grow well with age. The middle name “James” is after Andrew’s late father who passed when he was young and it was a way to honor him. It wasn’t until a week or so after we had picked “Ollie James” that I realized the meaning of his two names put together is “The One Who Follows Peace.” I can’t help but think that God had a hand in that meaning.

Once we knew it was boy, I immediately started planning the nursery and buying precious little boy clothes. By the time our 21 week appointment arrived on September 4th, Ollie already had enough clothes to last the first few weeks of his life, his nursery had a beautiful new rug and paint samples on the wall and I was feeling him roll around in my belly on a semi-regular basis. I was nervous the day of his appointment but that was pretty normal. I’m a worrier. I hadn’t felt him move yet that day but that wasn’t unusual. He was more active at night and I wasn’t feeling him consistently enough yet to be worried.

Since this appointment was the big one-hour anatomy ultrasound, we were so excited to see our boy again. I remember watching the ultrasound tech’s face and wondering if something was wrong. I couldn’t see the screen fully so I wasn’t sure what she was looking at but I could tell she was looking for or at something. A minute or so later, she turned the screen towards us and said “Okay. I can’t find a heartbeat.” Convinced I hadn’t heard her right I muttered “…what?” and she repeated, “I can’t find a heartbeat. I’m so sorry. I’m going to go find Dr. Williams and bring him in here so we can confirm.” She left the room and I felt like my heart stopped.

I turned to Andrew, who hadn’t heard what she said, and repeated it. The majority of the next 25 minutes waiting for Dr. Williams (who was at home at the time of our ultrasound and rushing in once he got the call) was spent in silence holding each others hands and praying. I’m not even sure my prayers were more than “Please, please, please God.” and tears. I begged for God to breathe life into Ollie and promised He could have me once Ollie was safely delivered. I was desperately clinging to the hope that maybe the ultrasound tech was new (she wasn’t) and Dr. Williams would come in and find Ollie safe and sound. I had just felt him move the night before.

When Dr. Williams arrived they did two more ultrasounds, one on the stomach and one internal, neither of which showed a heartbeat. Dr. Williams grabbed my hand, placed his other hand on my stomach and confirmed that our son, Ollie James, no longer had a heartbeat. I don’t remember much after that. It was all a blur. I remember asking him through sobs “Did I do something wrong?” to which both he and the ultrasound tech assured me absolutely not, that unfortunately this happens and most of the time there was no explanation on this side of heaven. He assured me that this didn’t mean I wouldn’t have more children and that I had to hold on to hope, which was the furthest thing from my mind in the moment.

We then talked about the plan for the next few days. He wanted me to come to the hospital the following night and they would induce me. He warned up front that this process can be long and hard because not only was this my first pregnancy, but I was also 21 weeks and my body wasn’t ready to give birth yet…it had to be forced to. I was terrified. I had just learned that I’d lost my son and now I had to somehow find the strength to labor and birth him too, knowing full well that I would leave the hospital with empty arms? I thought for sure that it was going to kill me. My heart felt as though it was shattering over and over again with every beat, there was no way it would hold up in labor.

TO BE CONTINUED