One of the first resources I discovered when the dust had settled a bit after losing Ollie was “The Joyful Mourning“, a podcast for grieving mothers. I put some headphones in and turned on one of the episodes to listen to while I got some things done around the house. I didn’t make it too far in before I was reaching for my phone to write down notes. Ashlee Proffitt was speaking so much truth into my soul from one angel momma to another.

One of the first things I wrote in my notes was this:

“Celebrating a good thing in life and mourning a hard thing in life are not mutually exclusive. They do not have to cancel each other out.”

Ashlee Proffitt, The Joyful Mourning Podcast

That theme has seemed to be a common thread in life since losing Ollie. I’ve heard many times that for women struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss, seeing other women pregnant or having a baby can be difficult. While I understood that as much as I could at the time, it wasn’t until I lost Ollie that I realized how truly difficult those things are.

More often then not, when you get pregnant, you also find out a friend (or two, or three) is expecting too. It’s a special and fun thing to experience together. You compare due dates, guess genders and talk about nursery decor. No one ever expects that one of those babies will never take a breath outside it’s mother’s womb….that one will be burying their baby while the other paints their nursery.

All of this to say that God has been teaching me an awful lot about coexisting with grief and joy. I do not hate or resent every pregnant woman. In fact, the friends that were also carrying babies while I carried Ollie will forever hold a special place in my heart. Their babies will be a constant beautiful reminder to me of Ollie and the joy I felt while pregnant with him. It will be such an honor to see them grow over the years, to hold them, to love them and pray over them. That is the joy of it all.

But the grief still shows up…and that’s okay. I’m learning that the same tears that fall in joy of your friend having her long desired baby can also fall five minutes later for missing your son. The happiness when someone announces they’re pregnant can switch to sadness because you’ve barely learned to walk into the nursery without tears. One can exist right along side the other and I don’t have to feel guilty about it. I can celebrate a friend and grieve the loss of my son in the same minute, if thats what is needed.

Is it easy? No…mainly because you never know how those days will hit you. Some days are easy, others are impossible and there is no way to predict or control when that wave of grief will decide to hit like a tsunami. You just have to take it in stride. I still haven’t learned to grieve….does anyone ever, really? I’m just doing my best to let both joy and grief exist and take up their space when needed. Some days I balance that perfectly and other days it all falls shattered on the floor but I suppose that is human. All that matters is that I keep picking up the pieces and moving forward.