Tag: family

Spirit, Lead me…

On By katiemeffordLeave a comment

I was cooking dinner in the kitchen tonight and told Alexa to play some praise and worship music. Truth be told, I was in a bit of a funk and needed Jesus to snap me out of it.

A few songs in “Oceans” by Hillsong United came on. Of course, a familiar song, I hummed along as I stirred the ground beef in the skillet for tacos. Towards the end of the song, there are a few lines that are repeated several times…

…Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior…

Oceans by Hillsong United

I found myself singing those words and my eyes welling with tears. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this song and prayed that prayer and just today I realized that He has done just that over the last few years….He continues to do so.

The difference is that when I prayed that song in worship before, I prayed it thinking and hoping that the road would be easy. In my prayer I imagined being someone who spent time with God daily, never wrestled with doubt, never asked God “Where are You? Do You even hear me? Do You remember me?” and certainly never got angry with God for the hand she was dealt. I prayed that the Lord would lead me where my trust was without borders but preferred if that area was safely and squarely in the middle of my comfort zone and picture perfect plan for my life.

But the truth is this road has been anything but easy. Losing my son has been devastating. Grieving has been all-consuming. Infertility has been exhausting. The last two and a half years have taken my faith and rattled it to it’s core.

When we were in the hospital just after Ollie was born, a sweet friend and mentor told Andrew and I some of the best advice I’ve received in this whole journey. She said “It’s okay to be angry at God. He can handle it. Just don’t turn your back on Him. You can yell at him, scream at him, and shake your fist as Him but at the end of it all, when your screams turn into tears, collapse in His arms and rest.” I had no idea in that moment that all of those things would come to pass. I would be so angry with God I couldn’t see straight, I would yell at Him while parked in a dark cemetery at night, I would give Him the silent treatment and go weeks without uttering even the simplest prayer.

But through it all, the Lord has been so sweet and patient to answer that prayer even in the midst of heartbreak. He has taken me deeper than my feet would’ve ever wandered alone. I probably would’ve chickened out about the time those waves started tickling my knees but He drew me deeper. What other choice did I have when my son’s heart stopped beating than to follow Him still? What choice do I have but to continue following Him through the waves of grief and the storm of infertility? He alone is the one who has sustained me when all I’ve wanted to do was crawl in the grave right beside Ollie’s casket since the day of his funeral end every day after. He alone picks my head up when a wave of grief has me pinned to the floor. He alone heals my heart and restores my soul when month after month, the pregnancy test still reads negative.

And so, one of my favorite quotes still rings true…

“I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.”

Charles Spurgeon

Hallelujah, even here.

-Katie

The Journey Begins: Part One

On By katiemefford3 Comments

Andrew & I knew from the start that we wanted a family. We were married in January of 2017 and decided to give ourselves a year or two of “just us” before we started trying. Long story short, life has been pretty hectic and unpredictable the last two years or so. We kept saying we’d start a family once things slow down.

One day in February of 2019, I woke up and just could not stop thinking about how bad I wanted to have a baby. I decided to bring it up to Andrew that night after work. I fully expected a him to mildly panic and talk some sense back into me. Life hadn’t exactly slowed down, after all. But surprisingly, he had been thinking about it that day too. Instead of talking each other off the edge, we realized that this was it. We were ready to take the jump into parenthood and decided we would start trying the following month.

Due to being diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) in college, I was expecting it to take at least 6 months, if not more, to get pregnant. We started trying in March and…nothing. I decided for the sake of my sanity to chill out a bit on the ovulation tracking ( I had three apps tracking my fertility, y’all….THREE.) and just have fun. I’d start back to tracking in a few months if we weren’t pregnant by then.

On Thursday May 2, I realized I should have probably started that week. I shrugged it off because PCOS can make your body all out of whack. I decided I’d take a pregnancy test Friday morning, just to get it off my mind, fully expecting a big fat negative.

I get up for work during the week around five and I’m usually out the door before Andrew’s alarm goes off at six. When I woke up that morning, I went to our master bathroom and took a test. I sat it on the counter and started getting ready for the day. I kept glancing down at the test as the results started to show and ever so slightly, a faint second line started to appear. Now, I wish I could say I sweetly crawled back into bed and woke Andrew to tell him the news. But I did what comes naturally to me: I panicked. I went into the bedroom, flipped on every single light and not so quietly woke Andrew asking him if he saw the second line. That memory still makes me smile. Grace may be my middle name but Andrew would tell you it’s ironic because gracefulness is not high on my list of qualities I possess.

Andrew, being new to this whole pregnancy test thing, said something along the lines of “I see a really, really faint line…but I still think it’s negative. We’ll try again next month.” Meanwhile, I knew that even a faint line is a positive and had to go sit at work all day knowing we had a baby on the way.

TO BE CONTINUED.