Losing Ollie has rocked my relationship with God in a very real way. Grief in and of itself is a roller coaster filled with so many ups and downs that it can make your head spin. Some days it feels like I just rode a kiddie coaster and I can still keep my footing. Other days I feel like I’ve been riding a roller coaster that spins and flips and turns for 10 hours straight. I would say my faith has been the latter of those two in this journey.

In the immediate days after losing Ollie, I was confident that God had a plan. Andrew & I sat on the couch in the hospital room a few hours before being released and talked about how sure we were of God’s faithfulness and how we just knew God was going to do something BIG with Ollie’s story. What I didn’t realize then was that God doing something big didn’t exclude me from the pain. I naively thought that because God was sovereign, I would be able to skip the part of grief where it absolutely shattered me and go straight to the part where I can praise Him and tell Ollie’s beautiful story.

When life moved on, we buried our son, we returned to our jobs, the meal trains stopped and Ollie still was dead, I was wrecked. You see, I knew I’d lost Ollie, that was clear. But the reality of living a life without him, that is what wrecked me. I found myself sitting in my therapist office in tears because I’d just realized in the past few days of my grief journey that this was permanent, that I would live the rest of my life without my son. Through the sobs I said “….but that just seems like such a long time.” The idea of growing old terrified me because I could barely handle the grief in that moment, I couldn’t imagine carrying this grief for 40, 50, 60 more years. I was beginning to realize that God being faithful, true and good didn’t mean my life would be without pain or that my grief would some how be easier to handle….and I was angry. I felt betray by a God I trusted.

After that realization hit, I could barely stand to think about God. I was angry that He allowed this pain to be so heavy. I was livid that He allowed my son to die. I found myself not only grieving for my son, but grieving for the life before I lost him. Grieving for a life where I believed God was good and that He had my life planned into a beautiful, pain-free story. Grieving a life where God was my golden calf that I had carved into the picture perfect description of what I wanted in a god. Not to get ahead of the story, but I am so glad that is not the God I serve. I am glad that the God I serve does not lower himself to the limitations of what my human mind can think up as the perfect life for me.

This phase of grief has lasted the longest for me. Although I’ve had a few scattered days of relief where God has reassured me He was near and I was loved, it wasn’t until the past two weeks that I’ve felt that veil lift more.

Every Wedneday, some sweet sisters in Christ and I meet for a Bible study. About two weeks ago, our former teacher who has been out for surgery stopped by to catch up. As she told us all her life updates, we somehow got to talking about God’s faithfulness. She said something that proceeded to tumble around in my brain over the next week or so….Anticipate God’s Faithfulness. I allowed that thought to linger and found myself going back to it daily. I didn’t realize then that that little seed was beginning to chip away the wall I’d put up between me & God.

About a week later, I was catching up on the book we’re doing in that Wednesday night meet up called “It’s not supposed to be this way” by Lysa Terkeurst. The book is, in short, about living the life between two gardens (Eden & The Restored Eden, Heaven). Lysa is so very real about her journey and the pain she’s walked through. The particular part that opened my eyes that day was an explanation of a scripture I’ve read a thousand times. In fact, I long proclaimed it to be my life verse. “For I know the plan that I have for you. Plans to prosper you, and not harm you” (Jeremiah 29:11, Katie Edition)

In all my times reading or hearing these verses, I’ve never known the context of it. I’d read it through my golden calf eyes of God being a god that gives me the good stuff in life, but spares me the pain. That’s not what this chunk of scripture is about at all.

In the verses leading up to this, God is addressing the children of Israel who are being led into captivity by Babylon for 70 years. Ouch. God’s chosen people? Seventy YEARS? I can only imagine that the Israelites felt a lot like I did when I realized I had to live the rest of my life without Ollie. Angry, betrayed and hurting. But in the same breath that the pain is spoken into existence, God says this:

^{“For thus says the Lord: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the Lord}

Jeremiah 29:10-14b

How’s that for a love letter from God? Yes, there will be pain. Yes, there will be loss & pain. Yes, there will be seasons of captivity & grief. But I know the plan I have for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. I will be found by you.

Phew. That’ll preach.

I’m thankful for a lot in the journey but this week I’m thankful for this: God is patient and a gentleman. He didn’t force His way into my grief. He stood patiently beside me while I hurled insults at him. He didn’t turn His back, He has a plan far greater than mine, one that includes hope, freedom and finding Him in the midst of all the pain. I didn’t fall through the cracks. I’m not forgotten while He tended to other things going on in the world.

HOPE.